All the labors of the ages
I was raised to believe that God does not exist. When I was about 11 years old, for the first time, I realized what that meant. To quote atheist Bertrand Russell:
That man is the product of causes which had no prevision of the end they were achieving; that his origin his growth, his hopes and fears, his loves and beliefs are but the outcome of accidental collections of atoms; that no fire, no heroism, no intensity of thought and feeling, can preserve an individual life beyond the grave.About two years ago I decided to actually do my own research and try to come to my own conclusions about God. I realized that despite my mantra of being "open-minded" about religion I was actually quite closed to ideas that didn't fit with my atheist worldview.
That all the labors of the ages, all the devotion, all the inspiration, all the noonday brightness of human genius are destined to extinction...that the whole temple of man's achievement must inevitably be buried.
All these things, if not quite beyond dispute, are yet so nearly certain, that no philosophy which rejects them can hope to stand...Only within the scaffolding of these truths, only on the firm foundation of unyielding despair, can the soul's habitation henceforth be safely built.
So here I am. Two years and a lot of research later I'm still not sure what I think. I've uncovered a lot of information and philosophical perspectives that I certainly was not told about as a kid and am still trying to process it all. After educating myself more about physics and biology I now believe intellectually in some sort of intelligent design, but my heart has yet to catch up. To be totally honest with myself, I'm still functionally an atheist. But I want to believe. My logical mind tells me some sort of creator exists. Some deep gut feeling tells me God exists. But I have a long way to go.